Ridiculous comeback in the Scottish Premier League

Motherwell 6 - 6 Hibernian

The defending was shocking to say the least, but the last goal was just the cherry on the top.

From Laowai to Laowinner

What is a Laowai?

It's not uncommon for me to be walking down the street and suddenly hear the word laowai shouted out followed by some finger pointing in my direction. The term laowai refers to a foreigner or an "alien", some may consider this term condescending, however whether it is used in a derogatory manner or not does depend on the tone or context. The bigger cities (Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou...) don't tend to have as much finger pointing, as there are quite a few laowai's in those areas. However in Changzhou, I can walk for 30 minutes in town without encountering another fellow laowai. I have had my picture taken by complete strangers and get quite a few odd stares(more so by the older generations). Thus, the more rural the area, the greater the finger pointing and staring.

Put your belly on display

If you wish to truly infiltrate the Chinese culture, you have to adapt to local fashion. Men over here tend to pull their t shirts all the way up to their nipples during the summer or hot days. It's mainly the larger men that tend to do so (probably easier for the t-shirt not too fall down). One step to becoming a laowinner is to adapt to these local customs and proudly put your beer belly on display whilst walking around like a boss.

Spit often and spit hard

Hrrrwwwwwaaaaaa Splaat

Spitting is far from being considered rude over here, on the contrary it is a common belief that it is healthy. Furthermore when you spit, you need to make sure that you spit good, in order to evacuate all that unwanted crap that's living in your throat. It makes sense in a certain way, however it takes real skill to shamelessly do so in the middle of a crowded street. The key technique for this one is to make sure that the noise of your throat clearance can be heard by pedestrians on the other side of the road, the spitting part is merely you revealing your latest conquest.

Learn to squat

You're not going to be able to spend the whole year over here without having to use a turkish toilet. It takes real leg strength to use one of these, however it may be considered more hygienic than our western toilets. Not having a seat does make it extremely hard to pull out your smartphone whilst you're doing the deed and start playing some doodlejump. Furthermore, the drainage systems are so small that all toilet paper(yes, used toilet paper) is chucked into a bin next to the toilet rather than in the toilet itself. You can risk chucking the toilet paper down the toilet in an attempt to maintain a reasonably smelling bathroom, however you might become best friends with your plumber if you were to continuously do so. 

Master the chopsticks

I lost quite a bit of weight during my first week in China due to my incompetence with chopsticks. I mean, how exactly were the chopsticks invented? 

"Hey guys, i'm getting bored of eating, I mean, we eat 3 times a day, let's spice things up a bit..." 

"Hey I know, let's get two tiny sticks, balance 'em between our fingers, and see how fast we can eat this whole bowl of rice til the last grain" 

"Great idea, eating is going to be so much more challenging and fun from now on!"

At least, that's what I'm guessing was the reasoning behind the first use of chopsticks.

Regardless, I still struggle with chopsticks, I sometimes get finger cramps after long meals. I get a few weird looks in restaurants when I'm caught spearing a dumpling after multiple failed attempts of trying to grab it the conventional way with the twigs. However, you do get a certain sense of satisfaction when you clear your plate with the chopsticks and without the help of those wonderful, convenient and ergonomic tools known as the spoon, knife & fork.

For anyone seeking to improve their chopstick skills, I would suggest locking yourself in a well lit room and staying until you manage to catch a fly with them.

China's WTF Factor

The main cultural differences between the UK and China

There's quite a few strange things over here, however I've managed to categorise the main cultural differences within 3 different categories quite conveniently supporting the WTF acronym.

Weather: It's not so much the case anymore, but I arrived on the 20th of July at the peak of the heat wave, during which a Shanghai man supposedly cooked some bacon and eggs on the pavement. It wasn't so much the scorching sun that was hard to adapt to(mainly blocked out by the grey skies), it was the humidity. Impossible to survive without air conditioning and after 5 seconds of walking outside you would be under the impression that you just jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed.


Traffic: Pure madness. I only have to cross one intersection to get to work every morning, despite this fact, I treat every breakfast as my last. I've seen pretty much everything, scooters carrying goats and whole families, cars driving down roads the wrong way and grandmothers speeding past cars on turbo boosted electric wheelchairs. Road signs have no significance whatsoever over here, there's only one rule, the biggest gets priority. They do nonetheless have cameras on top of traffic lights taking pictures of people to verify that seat belts are being worn. I can't imagine how tedious it would be flipping through 1,000+ pictures a day of people sitting in cars to check the seat belts.

Food: After having lived in France for 10 years, the first time that I actually ate frog was last month in Shanghai(after our host told me to guess which meat it was, which I reluctantly agreed to). I'm quite picky with my food, I don't like seafood or spicy food. So this is probably the hardest adjustment for me and has resulted in me mainly eating at KFC, MaccyDs or Subway (whom know what sandwich to start making as soon as I walk through the door as I eat pretty much every lunch there). There is a saying that the Chinese eat everything with 4 legs, apart from the table. This saying has so far proven to be extremely truthful. I have witnessed chopstick fights during a meal over who gets to eat the fish eyes. They sell chicken feet as crisp packets in corner shops. Whilst walking through Shanghai I also saw some kind of scorpion brochette being sold by a street vendor. I am sure many will disagree with me in regards to my lack of nutritional curiosity (and I don't blame you, as I said above I am picky) and I mean no disrespect to the Chinese bravery in the face of food, but I do feel as if there are many things in this country that are being inexplicably orally ingested, which should not be. I miss my steak & ale pies and salt & vinegar crisps :(

The 2013 Chinese Super League Winners - Guangzhou Evergrande

Just 2 days ago, Guangzhou Evergrande won the Chinese Super League for the 3rd consecutive year. Evergrande staff just released this image with the quote "be the best forever" but just how long will their dominance last?

However, this doesn't come as much of a surprise seing as they have players such as Dario Conca, Muriqui, Elkeson and Gao Lin. Furthermore, their coach, Marcello Lippi won the 2006 WC with the Italian national team, quite an impressive résumé for the coach of a Chinese league team. His move to china may have been slightly influenced by the two and a half year deal that Lippi currently has with the club, worth around 30 million euros, whereas Conca is earning around 12.5 million euros a year, placing him within the top 20 highest paid footballers of 2012 (above Ribery and Buffon).

Within the Chinese super league, Guangzhou Evergrande make clubs such as Monaco and PSG seem stingy when taking into consideration the amounts invested by surrounding clubs within their league. Not surprising when taking into consideration the fact that Evergrande Real Estate Group Ltd., the country's leading property developer, has the been the owner of the club since 2009.

The club has greater ambitions than just their relatively simple dominance on domestic turf. They are currently in the final of the AFC champions league and are due to play the first leg vs FC Seoul on the 26th of October  with the 2nd leg taking place on the 9th of November. Thus, the international stage is their new target, however it may still be a while before they're ready to take on teams such as Real Madrid(click here to see the highlights of the 7 - 1 bloodbath vs RM that took place in 2011).

Jimmy Kimmel Youtube Challenges

I don't personally watch the guys show, but these challenges he sets to parents on youtube are hilarious. He seems to be making it his mission to become america's kids most hated celebrity. It's literally impossible to watch one without watching the others.

I told my kids I ate all their halloween candy

I told my kids I ate all their halloween candy again

I gave my kids a terrible present

I gave my kids a terrible present again

Football in China

The current state of Chinese football

The above occurred at China's national sports meeting, it is probably quite an accurate decryption of the state of Chinese football. As you are probably aware the Chinese do not have the best of reputations in football but just how long will this reputation follow them? Last year the Chinese super league welcomed players such as Nicolas Anelka and Didier Drogba whom were playing alongside one another for Shanghai Shenhua. After 6 months of being there, Drogba only managed to drag the team from 13th to 9th place with 8 goals in 11 games , and Anelka maintained his impeccable reputation of being a lazy french bastard(just in case anyone forgot about the strikes in the 2010 WC) with 3 goals in 22 appearances.

It's not all doom and gloom

They currently have a couple of initiatives going to stimulate the growth of this sport within their country. One of them is could Vision China which is an attempt to set Chinese football standards as the highest in Asia. 

"At present, it is a 10-year plan, during which China wants to become a superpower in Asian football and rank in the top 20 in the world"

Not exactly achieved yet considering the state of its national team when compared to that of South Korea and Japan. Furthermore, North Korea managed to qualify for the world cup whereas the Chinese national team will be watching at home. However, if the Chinese business tycoons keep chucking ridiculous sums of money at some of the big names in football, it won't be too long til the next generation are nurtured within a football loving culture. When you think about, with a population of more than 1.3 billion, there's bound to be one or two Chinese Messi's lurking out there(but then again, there are countries like India whom seem to be athletically retarded).

My experience in Changzhou

Upon arriving in Changzhou I was pretty keen on playing some football, and after a week I managed to meet up with people through facebook for a quick 5-a-side kick-about. Needless to say, the level over here is a bit of a joke compared to England, but when surrounded by the right people, you can get some decent games going. There doesn't seem to be too much 11-a-side activity, and the 5-a-side's I usually play tend to mainly be with laowai(what the Chinese call us foreigners). Most of the locals who play here seem to be around 30 years old and up. This further illustrates the issue that most Chinese youngsters are simply not interested by the sport.

Shopping for football supplies in China

In terms of purchasing any football equipment, if you walk into a Nike or Adidas store, at the very best, they will have a Bayern Munich or Chelsea shirt on display, but it pretty much stops there. There's a wonderful website called taobao which sells everything and anything (you just need to know the pinyin for the item you want). I managed to purchase a 2012/13 Ajax away kit on it(not because I support the team or anything, just because the kit is awesome) for 88RMB which works out at around 9GBP(pretty sure it's fake but can't complain as I can't tell the difference). I haven't been having as much success with food shopping though, I can't seem to find creme fraiche anywhere in this country.

The greatest Bachelor party in the history of mankind?

A brilliant montage of an extremely important moment in this guy's life. The ingeniousness of his friends must be on par with the bond they have created with the bachelor. Take a couple of minutes to watch this beautifully inspiring video, you won't regret it. Just in case you do regret it, I will not refund your lost time(I warned you in my initial post to not listen to my advice).

Living in Changzhou, China

Where am I?

I've been over here for about 2 months so far, i'm living in a city called Changzhou, just East of Shanghai.

The city of Changzhou doesn't have much going for itself in terms of touristic attractions (apart from its dinosaur park if you have young children). However, its location is pretty convenient as it is within an hour or two from cities such as Suzhou (the little Venice of China), Nanjing (where the rape of Nanking occurred), Shanghai (well, shanghai...) and Hangzhou (has a huge lake and is surrounded by some lovely temples and mountains).

Arriving in China

As I had never traveled to Asia prior to this, I didn't really know what to expect from China. The first thing that surprised and affected me the most was the fact that it is extremely rare to find English speakers. Once arrived at the Pu Dong airport of Shanghai we were trying to contact the individual whom was supposed to pick us up. However, using Chinese phone booths and buying a Chinese sim card wasn't as easy of a feat as one would expect. Even the people at the tourist information desk only spoke 1 or 2 words of English. I've only really got myself to blame in this situation though as I was the one in a foreign country armed with only a handful of words in their language:

• Nihao = Hello
• Xie xie = Thanks
• Wo bu dong = I don't understand

My Chinese has since evolved and I can proudly say that my Chinese cursing is second to none(but I still can't ask for bananas from my local supermarket).

The second shock was how developed everything was. Before coming over, I had this image of China having men running around carrying people in carts everywhere such as the guys on the right here (slight exaggeration). But as a matter of fact, the cars on the roads were all decent, quite a few BMWs and Mercs driving around and it's not uncommon to see the odd pink Bentley continental or pimped out Audi tt drive by.

I jumped on the tube to the other end of Shanghai to catch my train and was amazed by the fact that wifi was available throughout the whole line, something that we have yet to achieve on the London underground. Needless to say, the dates at which the two systems of transportation were built are decades apart, but it was not something I was expecting.

Once arrived at the station, Ticket lines were extremely long and I had to display my passport in order to purchase a train ticket(apparently this is to avoid mass purchases from one individual whom will then resell the tickets at a greater price). Queuing is something that is embedded deeply within the British culture, however the way they queue in China is quite different. You literally have to have your belly touching the person in front of you in the queue, if not some sneaky Chinese man will come along and squeeze into the slightest gap of opportunity you give him. 

Another baffling difference in culture between the English and the Chinese is that over here they do not wait for you to get off the train/tube/elevator/bus before jumping on. It seems quite backwards to me because it just lengthens the duration of the stop seeing as it slows down the whole process of disembarking -> embarking. At first it angered me, but by now I have embraced the madness and treat every disembarkation as a rugby scrum.

On the train itself, it was quite noisy, there seems to be some kind of resistance against the use of headphones in this country. Everybody was watching movies on their ipads with loudspeaker on. Some passengers had brought this spiky fruit called durian on the train with them, which was releasing some of the worst odors. If you're ever given the opportunity, do not eat that fruit.

Great piece of viral marketing from telenet

This is a great video that displays just how effective viral marketing can be. With over 47 million views on youtube, the costs of production for this innovative marketing video must have been minimal in contrast to the exposure that telenet reaped from it.

Some people are just born creative

Just how exactly did this guy pull this off? At the age of 12 did he already plan to make a video for the future? Was it just some random recording of him after he had too much sugar? Either way, it's genius.

A brief history of Tudor

Tudor is a name that has been filtering down my family, passed on from my grandfather, to my uncle and then to myself.

Tudor is my first name; I am in no way related to the Tudor dynasty and have yet to have 1 wife, let alone 6.

So I do apologise to anyone who came here expecting a bunch of interesting facts about King Henry the VIII hopefully these will make you feel slightly better:

• He called his 4th wife a horse
• Anyone who disobeyed the commands of Henry VIII was arrested for treason and executed…supposedly he executed 72,000 people during his reign
• Henry’s waist went from a lean 32 inches in his prime to 54 inches at his death…He was weighing in at over 300 pounds.
• He was also the first man to land on the moon(may not be true)

Anyway, how ya doing?

One of the main reasons i'm setting up this blog is because I've recently moved to China to teach English as a foreign language. If there are any fresh graduates reading right now, who have not got a clue about what kind of career they want to get themselves into, I would strongly suggest taking this opportunity to travel abroad for a year whilst working.

I'm currently teaching children between the ages of 3 and 12 years old in a place called Changzhou, a city to the East of Shanghai with a population of more than 5 million. Most of the kids are absolutely adorable, however many do suffer from the little emperor syndrome and make me want to strangle them.

I am a self-proclaimed nomad due to the fact that before China, I had lived in England for 8 years, the Netherlands for 2 years and France for 10 years.So far, I picture my dream country as having the English pubs, the Dutch public transport, the French landscape and the Chinese prices.

I'm going to stop writing this post now, I've wasted way too much time staring at that bloody picture of the dog handshake. If you're still reading this, I wish to congratulate you, as I don't usually read anything that is longer than 3 lines.

What are you doing here?

If it's boredom that brought you here, go outside (if it's raining outside, you may stay).

If it's procrastination that brought you here, get back to work.

If it's a couple of random clicks that brought you here, I pity your soul (and you may want to get those finger spasms checked out).

And if I told you to come here, you are a fool to have obeyed.

Mandatory: "I'm new to this whole blogging bollocks" 

I have no idea what I'm actually going to be putting up on here, so if you didn't follow my advice above, I will not be held liable for any loss of time or sanity that may occur during your stay here.

Also, as a word of advice, never listen to my advice.

I have decided that this blog shall be my poor attempt at being your below average witty, shallowly philosophical, and ridiculously narcissistic, blogger.

It's going to be one hell of a cringing experience.

I've also noticed from my limited blog experience that you're usually supposed to add a picture into each blog post so here you go: